When you write a newspaper column that presumes to be frequently humorous, people will try to help you with material.

When you write a newspaper column that presumes to be frequently humorous, people will try to help you with material.

For example, waiters and waitresses may suddenly turn into comedians with old one-liners.

Seafood restaurant waitresses often get into the spirit  while serving the soup de jour.

ME (scanning the menu): Do you have frog legs?

WAITRESS: No, I just walk kind of funny.

ME: Do you serve crabs?

WAITRESS: We’ll serve anybody, no matter how grouchy they are. We’re serving YOU,
aren’t we?

ME: I think I’ll have the smothered chicken.

WAITRESS: Do you want that chicken smothered with a pillow or by hand?

ME: This coffee tastes like mud.

WAITRESS: No wonder, it was GROUND only this morning.

ME: Be sure not to quit your day job.

See what I mean? One thing is for sure, I’m not about to order the stuffed peppers around these wise waitresses.

Then, there are friends like Olaf Drywitt who will call to offer would-be humorous stuff.

OLAF: Why does Santa Claus come DOWN the chimney?

ME: I really haven’t given that much thought, Olaf.

OLAF: Because it SOOTS him better.

ME: Surely you don’t expect me to use THAT in my column. What else do you have?

OLAF: Okay, what is 3, 7, 28, and 41?

ME: (figuring) 79?

OLAF: No. It’s NBC, CBS, ESPN, and The History Channel.

ME: Excuse me, while I get my jar of Rolaids.

There is humor to be found everywhere.

The other day, I was reading about the colorful baseball owner Bill Veeck, who once sent a midget up to the plate to pinch hit and try to draw a base on balls.

Veeck’s son, Mike, carried on the zany family tradition as a minor league baseball owner. He once had his groundskeepers drag the infield in drag.

My favorite Veeck caper was when he let all pregnant women fans in free on Labor Day.

When I was in high school, I finally summoned the courage to ask an attractive girl for a date.

ME: Could I please have your phone number?

GIRL: It’s in the phone book.

ME: But I don’t know your name.

GIRL: It’s in the phone book, too.

Neosho Daily News